Another Bad Thanksgiving

Yes the meal turned out great. Yes we had a good time and good companionship. Yes I ain't too much. Yes, once again my husband was irritated with me about the whole thing. I wish he could just appreciate the effort and time I put into Thanksgiving every year. I wish he could simply understand how much I love doing it and wouldn't resent me for it every year. Why can't he just be proud of me? Why can't he just accept that I love this stuff and be happy that it makes me happy? I don't want to not do it because it is what I want to do. Yet, if I didn't do it, my spouse would like it so much better. I'm so sick of the whole thing.

Nothing I do is ever good enough. If it is, he never tells me. He's quick to point out my flaws, faults, and mistakes but is never quick to point out the good things I do. I hate having to fight for everything or going behind his back to get things, but he never seems to be on my side. I never get any validation for what I do. Why do I need this validation? Is it because I never get it from anyone? No my family that's for sure. I'm always the selfish one or the obnoxious one or the honest one or the one who takes advantage of everything. I'm a good freaking person, yet no one seems to feel the need to validate that for me. I say or do one wrong thing and that negates all of the good things I do.

I'm a good friend. I'm loyal. I'm trustworthy. I usually put other people before me. Why don't these things matter? Why is my uniqueness and out of the box personality so villified in my own world? So what if I'm not predictable? I hate being predictable. I wish I could be more "normal" but I don't even know what that means. What is "normal"?

I've been deserted again by someone I care about and admire. I said one thing that he obviously took the wrong way and now I'm cut off. No more discussion. No second chance. Just complete and utter silence. I used phrasing he didn't like because it was "juvenile" so he got mad and now there is nothing but quiet. He's the one who says he hates arguing. I wasn't arguing. I wasn't trying to make him mad, but, yet again, I did something wrong and I'm punished. I'm tired of being punished. I'm tired of being wrong. I just want to be me. Not what everyone things I should be, but me. Fully and completely myself. What is wrong with that?

I'm tired of being judged for everything. My weight. My outspokenness. My lack of talent for housework. The fact that I don't have children. I don't want to be perfect and I don't want to feel like that is my ultimate goal. I just want to be happy. Is that such a big request? I just want to feel like my life is my own and be proud of what I am. I'm sick to death of being ashamed of myself and my actions all the time. So what if I have impulse control? So what? Damn it! I'm okay the way I am. Why does everyone think I need a complete overhaul?

It would be so easy to crawl into bed and sleep forever. I think my personal safety is at risk. A bottle of sleeping pills and a 5th of tequila is starting to look pretty good. Or a stay on the 4th floor. I want to go to Cascades for awhile. Maybe someone would miss me then. Maybe they would realize I am an important person with validity if I were to just go away. Now I sound like a 5-year-old who bundles up their possessions and runs away to prove something. I wonder if I can do that? Running away sounds pretty good right now. Somewhere quiet with no judgements and a lot of time to myself. But, then I would get lonely. I'm hopeless. Never happy anywhere for any reason.