Down the Rabbit Hole

My mom is here. She's been here for 2 weeks and doesn't leave for two more weeks. This is supposed to make me happy. Instead, I feel trapped in my house even though I'm not. I'm edgy, tired, exhausted, cranky, moody, mad, and lonely all at the same time. I feel like the walls are closing in, but for no good reason. I'm taking my extra Klonapin to squelch the panic attacks. I went for a drive last night. I took the dogs for a walk today, but I can't shake the melancholy. To top it all off, I think I lost a friend today and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I have no idea where my head is or what I am supposed to be thinking. I'm not mad or disturbed, just so freakin' tired I could sleep all the time. Either that or I feel like I need to breathe into a paper bag to calm down. I never seem to write in this thing unless I am under some kind of trauma. I guess that is why I am not a good jounaler (journaller?). I'm trying to cope, but I'm not sure what to do except sleep or be angry.

I have therapy tomorrow, but I can't decide if I'm going to take my mom or not. I took her last week and I think that session started this whole spiral. When Theresa asked her for stories about me as a child, my mother doesn't have any. It is almost like I never existed before the age of 25. She doesn't remember anything specific about me. She had stories about all 4 of the other kids, but nothing about me. She doesn't even remember that I took care of the monster brat for 4 summers. How can you not remember anything about your child? Maybe this is the reason I don't have any of my own. I hate the idea that I could do that to another person. Was I that forgettable? I've always thought I was the overlooked and forgotten child, maybe this just proves it for me. I can't get past this whole thing. Why is it that everyone else in the world remembers me vividly, but my own family doesn't? I freakin' hate it.

I need a best friend. I have friends now, but I need a best friend. Someone I can talk to and trust with all my important stuff. I want to talk to someone about this friend I pissed off today, but I don't know who to talk to about it. I have to be able to trust them and lately I trust no one. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm taking the drugs. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It has been working. Why suddenly has it stopped? Why am I so restless again? It can't just be because of my mom. I want to go to Cascades again. I haven't felt like that in ages. Why now? What has changed? I need to sleep or drink or something.